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I dont understand this.. How could it be... Everyone besides you. If i were there to be infront of u every day i swear u'd be like the others. But since u r so far how could i make u want me? Without u realizing it?
Montag, 15. Juli 2013
Whenever the sky has a slighty purple, pastel blue colour, right before it gets dark and the pale rosy white moon is showing off it's beauty, she misses home. She misses putting on old pants and the oversize pullover, maybe a scarf if it's windy. Her hometown is a windy place. Where she lived, everything is green and people are friendly. But when the sun goes down, she and her old clothes go out for a ride on the bike to breath that fresh, dewy night air. To dream and cry. Where she comes from, it isn't black at night, but has a navy blue sky, navy blue streets, a shining moon and cold white street lights and dark dark almost black but still green and friendly trees. The houses are beautiful with big windows and nice architecture. ....How badly she wants to take a ride there.... How badly
Montag, 22. April 2013
... she thought about you like you put the stars in the skies. She never talked like that to others. She tried to keep talking about you at a minimum. She didn't share her love and happiness with anyone. Even not with her closest people. For she knew they wouldn't understand. Not a single word. For she was just a little girl.
Before she met you she used to secretly laugh at girls like that. Mainly because she saw what her friends in love haven't. They were blinded by love. You can only see a lovers foolish behaviour when you aren't the one.
But also you were different than others.
Maybe that was the reason the girl with the heart of stone fell for you. You weren't the best looking one. Raised in a good family. An only child. A young adult seeking for true love. For a beautiful girl who wouldn't leave. A wife for life.
You liked her. You found her beautiful. She was what you were looking for. Long haired, big eyed with a perfect smile and lips to kiss. A skin without a single flaw. Not short but still shorter than you. Not fat but no skeletton. Maybe she could be a bit skinnier. Maybe 3-4kg. But what was more important... she came from an educated family, had good marks and was simply honest. She didn't mind your short legs, you not having good skin or a good body. She liked you and talked to you like the two of you were equal.
Never have you thought of a girl like her to be yours. But she became.
When you walk on the streets with her you see people stare. You told her it's because of the very unusual mix of ethnicity you two have. She agreed. Abd yes that might have been one reason. But you knew it wasn't for that. People asked themselves why such a girl would go out with such a guy.
Not a single minute did she think like that.
Before she met you she had an ideal of a guy. Too unusual for others to understand and it wasn't just because of love and romance... There was more behind those more or less superficial ideals. But the moment she got to know you she did what she never did before. She said prayers... whatever would happen make this guy stay and be faithful. She promised not to leave either for she knew there is no better man than you. And she wasn't wrong. You were such a man. You were because those were your ideals of a man. You claimed to be that because you didn't know who you are at that time.
You never had a deep relationship like that before. You hadn't experienced a girl loving.
As time went on you changed.
Never have you been unfaithful. But you changed. You stopped caring. You got used to have that girl. No you didn't stop loving her but started to take her for granted. And she stayed. Never left. She didn't want to break her promise she made. It is normal. People get used to each other in a relationship after a while. Indeed. It is healthy. It ain't good to stand under pressure in a relationship 24/7.
So it is good to relax and enjoy being accepted in that way. Yes.
But that doesn't mean you don't have to care about her feelings anymore. That doesn't mean talking to her everyday is all you have to do. That means you are accepted with your flaws. But it also means you should be there for her when she needs it. Not only because you feel you have to be, but also because you actually love her although you have her for so long. Again, even IF you have to force yourself to do those things, do them. If you claim to love someone, if you want to keep them in your life you have to be constantly be active.
The secret of a healthy relationship is being there when needed while feeling accepted with your flaws.
After all of these years... she tried to ignore that... she might finally open her eyes to see that indeed there are good man. And if one isn't able to give her what she deserves after all she had done for him, she is an idiot for sticking around.
Yes love makes blind. But love isn't everything in life. Maybe a stabile relationship with a person one doesn't love is preferable over one where both love each other but don't seem to get what they expect.
It is ok. You might be older than her, but still at the beginning you were young. You overestimated your abilities. That doesn't make you a bad person.
Life goes on and love is overrated.
Mittwoch, 17. April 2013
To stay with a person although you just don't feel right with them is wrong.
It is wrong to stick to people for the only reason not to be lonely. One can never know what the other person feels. So they might love you from the bottom of their heart, while you are just passing time. And you are not even enjoying it. Instead you would feel depressed about the whole situation and with this you would pull down the other person too. As you try to explain them everything, they just don't believe you. They can't imagine the person they love so much doesn't have the same feelings. Not after all this time.
As they would get pulled down you will start to fight. But at the climax of the fight it is you who calms the other person again. You who start to lower your voice first. Not them. And at THIS point you won't leave. In this very special moment you stick to them. You will endure everything and want to stay around them no matter what. In this moment, thinking about life without them just doesn't make any sense. And you know even if you'd turn off your phone or stop talking to them, they would crawl back to you. You know it so well. But you never let it happen before. Because it is always you who does it first. That doesn't make them a bad person, 'cause they don't even have the time to do it first. Because you do.
Now one could say that exactly this is love. Not leaving in bad situations. Don't want to lose them when they don't deserve you. That's what you used to believe too. Not anymore.
Yes it might be true that after a while the passion will fade away. But that's one thing... It is something totally different if you feel constant unhappiness with the person you are together with and just feel the urge of staying when you fear to lose them. That is not love. That has nothing to do with it. It is just an egoistic way not to be lonely for a while.
Leave. Do it.
There are bad times in relationships and it IS weak to leave in those times. Unfair and weak. But this is not a bad time. The bad times lie far behind you already. You overcame many big problems and difficulties. Now that the other person is not depressed and everything is ok but you still feel unhappy, you should go. For the sake of the two of you.
Sonntag, 31. März 2013
Trapped in a world in a cardboard box. She wishes to stay there a little longer. Peaceful background music playing. Lonesome little dinosaur eating fruits after fruit. Jumping around in the cool and fresh air of the beautiful cardboard night sky. Pretty clouds with pretty faces. Shining baby blue and pale violet. Stuck onto the box just as the shiny little stars... glowing through the never ending night. In this atmosphere we want to jump onto the spiral springs. Jump upon the wooden and solid bodies. She stays a little longer and falls asleep listening to the soothing sound of the breeze and the background music.
No need to free her mind. Just need to lock it up in a cardboard box from time to time.
The box that carries freedom, peace, happiness, innocence and a became a piece of her.
Mittwoch, 27. März 2013
Sometimes I feel like crying because i want to live "in" you. You are the one i love. Everything about you is just so precious to me. When im alone i think about you as a person. I know you are not and i know that i love you like others love other people. And i know it is insane and since im no teenager anymore it is even more crazy... But doesnt this also mean that it is that one, deep and true love? Since puberty is over and i still love you like on the first day, i believe i belong to you. I know this love is one-sided since you are obviously not even a person. But i dont care. Maybe it is even better this way. You wont hurt me. And the day you'll leave i will be dead anyways. Until then i want to feed you with all of this love i carry with me... Just to give it to you.